For every Steve Jobs and every Warren Buffett, there’s an equal and opposite nitwit who spent 2011 devouring attention and contributing nothing to productive society. We salute the great artisans of utter uselessness with the one celebratory year-end list you don’t want to be on
Welcome to that other category of famous people: the ones who took up more than their fair share of oxygen and offered zero value in return, whose deeds did nothing to change lives of billions worldwide. Their one contribution to society? They make you, Mr. Everyday American, feel indispensable by comparison. This year yielded a particularly rich crop. So without further ado, meet the most useless bastards of 2011.
3. Ed Schultz
There are so many repugnant political pundits on TV now, we tend to forget that the likes of Sean Hannity actually represent the best of the lot. Hannity is a piece of shit, but at least he can get your average 85-year-old, gay-hating, gold-hoarding grandma to tune in. Then there are pundits like Schultz. Do you watch The Ed Show on MSNBC? Of course you don’t. No one does. The only reason people watch The Ed Show is they’re working out in a hotel gym and they can’t find a staff member to change the channel to ESPN. Did you know MSNBC suspended Schultz this year? It did! He called Laura Ingraham a “right-wing slut,” and he still couldn’t get noticed.
12. Paul Reiser
Remember The Paul Reiser Show? You were probably busy watching The Ed Show. Anyway, here’s what you missed: a two-episode run of a Curb Your Enthusiasm knockoff featuring Reiser whining about being very wealthy and having very little to do, a problem that no other American is currently experiencing in this economy. Not only was the show awful; its awfulness was an inevitability—its failure so clear from conception that it boggles the mind how no one at NBC stopped it. It’s as if network executives don’t own televisions.
14. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Here’s a man who eight freakin’ years ago all but admitted to sexually harassing women and proclaimed decades ago in Pumping Iron, “I am cumming day and night.” So excuse us if our world was not shattered when we found out—after he left office—that he was plowing the help. At least Anthony Weiner had the courtesy to be disgraced while still in power.
25. President Obama
Okay, so we’re cheating a bit with this one. He did order the raid that wiped Osama bin Laden off the face of the earth. But then he used that surplus of political capital to let everyone in Washington stick a boot in his ass. This is a man who should be the most transformational figure of the century. Hell, he promised to be that. Instead he wields all the power of a substitute teacher at night school.